Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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