The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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