you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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