he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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