i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
