I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
