Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
