I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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