I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
