I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
