i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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