Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
