Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
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At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
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I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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