I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
