I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm always down for nudity.
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