my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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