kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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