Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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