i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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