I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
