so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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