There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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