i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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