mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
