At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
