so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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