I hate your face
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
