She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
