Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
