Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So here I am, sexting at work.
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