smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
