think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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