apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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