we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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