I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
