His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think my moral compass just broke
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
