I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
