I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
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I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"