So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.