my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
