Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm too high and old for this...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
