She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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