Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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