oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
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I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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