By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
