a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
