I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
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Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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