that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
