The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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