I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
