Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
