Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We have so much sex to catch up on
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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