your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
