Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
