i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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